The long goodbye - part 1

Yesterday, we thought we had turned the corner with K's appetite with the boiled chicken.  Unfortunately, his stomach started up again and he was having some diarrhea problems.  Even though he couldn't get up on his own, poor bear, I think, tried to hold it has long as he could...and then would only boof when needed.  When I helped him up, he always rushed to go outside through all his hip issues.  Maybe we're just anthropomorphizing him,  but I think he just worried about having an accident in the house and disappointing us.  I wish there was a way to tell him that all is ok and we wouldn't be upset.  :( 

I had to work on Wednesday, but Becky had taken the day off.  When I got up, she had mentioned that Kodo had refused the boiled chicken for breakfast.  Unfortunately, chicken was our last ditch effort for real food that Kodo was eating.  This last week, food has been one of the few things that he picks his head up for, and we wanted to make sure that he eats for some energy and comfort.  So now, we resort to hot dogs.  His face still lights up for them, thankfuly. 

Beck fed four hot dogs to Kodo for breakfast by the time I got up.  While it was a bit cooler than the last few days, and the sky was overcast, it was still clear of rain until 10am.  So, while I worked, Becky sat outside as long as she could with him:

Even after it started raining, Beck sat with him.  I wish I was able to snap a pic.  Unfortunately, it was a busy/stressful day at work for most of the day, so wasn't able to spend much time with him during the day.  But K was pretty tired throughout and it seemed like his stomach was still bugging him. After I got off the clock, I went out to pick up a couple of more packages of hot dogs for dinner.  The rain did hold off and I did get a chance to hang with him. 

We fed him another couple of cut up hot dogs for dinner, which he quickly snarfed down.  In the evening, he was continuing his stomach issues and his new routine of sitting outside for hours at a time.  The sky was still overcast, but the temperature was still in the 50's so I grabbed a blanket and chair, and took the midnight shift with the bear. Old boy was tired, but he looked up every now and then.  We had a good chat as we sat with each other peacefully the night before the big day.  We spent maybe an hour outside, just hanging out.  I'm thankful that the temperature stayed up as high as it did for us to spend the outside night time together.

When he got back in, I lied with him in his normal sleeping spot at the base of the stairs.  He was so tired.  With his stomach the way it has been, I know things have been progressing rapidly.  One other thing that I had just noticed was occurring more often was that he'd be sleeping peacefully, and suddenly something would jar himself awake as he rapidly picked his head up and look at his butt or hip.  I can only imagine that he might be feeling a little jolt of discomfort.  Seeing this broke my heart.  I knew he was ready and told him that he only had to hold out a just a little more.  I was up 'til maybe 3:30am, knowing Beck would be up again early to take the morning shift.

Another beautiful day with a bit of a scare

Well, Kodo's energy didn't pick up today.  I started the day working from home again and went out with my laptop to be with him by his side.  Sometimes I think he doesn't have a preference whether we are there or not, but he did pick up his head a few times and seemed to interact a teeny bit more.   His stomach did seem to settle from yesterday, but he continues to have an aversion to most food that we put in front of him.  So I tried to expand the feeding experiment and decided to go for something blander.  I cooked a few cups of rice for him.  As luck would have it, he actually picked up his head and started eating it.  Poor boy must have been starving, because he barely has eaten anything on a good day, and yesterday, his diet was just a bunch of treats.  So he ate a small bowl of the rice and all was good.

During lunchtime, he suddenly boofed.  When we got him up, he rushed out and started looking like he was trying to vomit, but only foam was coming up..  Now, for the past year, Kodo's been having trouble with his normal food every now and then.  He starts vomiting foam after a few minutes of eating his kibble.  Normally, it settles within a few minutes and he's fine.  This time, he kept on vomiting more and more foam.  He looked and sounded distressed.  I honestly was scared that this was it.  Thankfully, after maybe 15 minutes (which seemed like an eternity), he settled down...and eventually he was back to normal.  He almost looked back to his old self for a bit...albeit probably still starving:

Once I knew he was going to be ok, I took a trip to the grocery store to pick up some chicken and hot dogs to try feeding.  Hot dog bits were his training treats way back when he was a puppy.  I gave it a shot and lo and behold, he still LOVED them.  We didn't want to go overboard after the rice incident, so we cut them up into small pieces and fed him bit by bit.  I even ran him through some of his tricks just to test his memory.  His memory is still as sharp as it was when he was a pup:

We eventually upgraded his food to boiled chicken.  The canned food that K was rejecting was basically chicken in gravy, so we weren't sure how he'd take it.  Thankfully, his appetite did pick up for the chicken as well.  I think we fend him 4 tenders, and then another 2 later in the even.  It came right off the stove so Beck had to blow on it to cool it off before he ate.   At least he ate it, so that was a good thing.

Beck and I took turns outside hanging with the pups.  I went out as soon as I got off the clock.

 Beck began the day out with K and continued:

Unfortunately in the evening, Kodo's stomach continued with more diarrhea.  We now think that maybe it didn't really have to do with the treats we gave him on Sunday, but rather a symptom of the greater issue.  :(  Hopefully, we can continue to keep him relatively comfortable the next 2 days.  I may sound crazy, but the dreaded day is coming so quickly, yet so slowly.

A day of rest

We decided to give Kodo a rest today.  It was back to work for both of us, and a pretty long day for the bear yesterday.  He had a few stomach issues overnight (probably from us spoiling him so much), so no one got a lot of sleep last night.  But the day was beautiful and we still had to make the most of what we got. 

I decided to work from home so that Kodo wasn't left alone.  I got up a little early (aside from the 3:30am wake up call) to let him out.  He didn't really have an appetite for breakfast.  Instead, he just sat outside and enjoyed the day.  The sun was out and it reminded me of the days when he first came into our lives.  Ever since he was a pup, he was just fascinated by airplanes.  Every time he heard one fly above, he would look up in amazement.  He hadn't been doing that too often, especially since most days he's too tired to pick his head up.  It was a clear sky, and just as he did so often when he was a pup, he picked his head up and watched in amazement.

Of course, it didn't last too long before he got tired again...but still made for a beautiful shot.

One thing he did do today was actually get up on his own.  It was a bit of a struggle, but K saw our neighbors step outside with their toddler.  Kodo always loves to greet our neighbors, but again doesn't always have the energy.  He really hasn't gotten up on his own for about a month now.  But with a little traction from the patio, and the draw of seeing our neighbors, he managed to get himself up before I was able to get to him. 

He spent most of the day resting.  I tried to get him out for a short walk around the block.  I even decided to let him go off lead.  As soon as we got out the front yard, he had no interest in walking.  He just stopped and looked at me with an "Are you serious?" look.  Walking is already a struggle for him, so I didn't push. 

So, we went back inside, and he went back to sleeping.  When we got back, there was a message from the vet's office saying that they need to reschedule the appointment.  Beck and I discussed and decided to make it a day earlier, which felt like more lost time.  Every now and then, I question whether we are making the right decision.  But there are days like today where I am reminded that not all is right with the world and prolonging it is only for us, not for him.  I tried to feed him at regular intervals throughout the day, but he has now lost interest in the canned food that he was just eating a day ago.  His poor legs have a hard time even keeping him standing and he spent the majority of the day sleeping.

He did perk up for the first time all day when Beck got home from work.  They had plenty of snuggle time and eventually he just fell asleep on her lap.

We finished the evening outside under a clear sky watching the starts:

It's hard to be appreciative at a time like this, but it is February and we've had 2 golden days in a row where we can spend outside and share a few amazing moments.

Enjoying Kodo's favorite park

Kodo is known to enjoy time out in the yard in spurts, but these days he seems to find a little more peace out there.  I think if it weren't for us, he'd be just fine being out there overnight.  Now granted, I wake up a few hours after Becky.  But as I walked downstairs in the morning, one of my favorite moments was seeing Becky sitting outside with the boo.  The weather was still a bit chilly in the morning so a jacket and blanket was a requirement for non-puppies.  K looked like he was enjoying as well.

I took a turn at morning duties with Kodo for a bit and as I've been known to do, took way too many photos.  Although his mobility is still limited, he does have mentally active mornings where he picks his head up, particularly for treats.  I'll be honest that it's a little hard to see him mentally active with the treat giving, only to have reality hit as soon as he needs to get up and walk around. :(  This morning, when he perked his head up, it allowed me to forget all my worries for a little bit and enjoy the moment for what it is and a reminder of all the love, joy and laughs he has given us all these years.

So our plan with Kodo today was to take advantage of the weather and take him out to the metroparks.  This is the park that Kodo grew up with where we have taken him on hikes ever since he was a pup.  I don't know how many nice days we'll have this week, or how K's hips will hold out, so we felt this would be our best chance.   On the way, we decided to stop off at McDonald's to treat him to a few hamburgers.  It was a little bit of a struggle to get K to the car.  His hips haven't been great the last few years, but these days he's especially nervous.  Once he's in the car, he's usually good to go.  I managed to capture a few photos of him with his bright starry eyes that he's had since he was a pup.

Sadly, the blog won't allow me to share the video of him with his mcD's due to the file limits.  But needless to say, his appetite wasn't an issue.

Once we got the to metroparks, we just let Kodo navigate where he wanted to walk.  We'd go at his pace and just let him guide the hike.  His first stop was straight to the Nature Center...most likely because he knows that he gets treats there.  As we walked in, he immediately went to the front desk and requested a biscuit:

Eventually we did actually leave the nature center and let Kodo lead us.  Instead of going to his normal rocks that he loves to sniff, he decided to be all energetic and take us to a back route.  The thing about K, is that he seems to think he has more energy than he does:

"I think we should go up"

Eventually reality does strike and he decides to stop when he needs the breaks.  This allows for some good photo opportunities:

He also got a chance to meet this little guy:

Eventually, he did get to a point where he had to make a number of stops to rest his hip.

The only way to truly get him moving again is to threaten him with a family photo, which if you can't tell from this photo, he is totally thrilled about:

He did begrudgingly smile for a selfie though, which capped off a good day at the park:

Appreciating the moments

I started writing this blog as a way to capture the memories, and it all began with our heart pup Kodo.  Somewhere down the line, my posts slowly dissipated, but I thank Beck with all my heart for keeping up with it.  Since the news yesterday, we've been going through the posts and in a way, we find a bit of solace seeing all the amazing memories and joy that Kodo has brought us through the years.  I know we both cycle back and forth with stability and being a complete wreck.  It definitely has not been easy for either of us.  So as Kodo gets ready for his final chapter, I thought I might pick up my slack and add a few more happy moments.

Today was going to a cold and rainy day, while Sunday's forecast looked to be warm and dryer.  So, the plan was to save Kodo's park trip for the latter.  But that didn't keep us from trying to spoil the crap out of him.  Now he's been a pretty picky eater since his appetite starting failing.  So, beck and I finally got out of trying to give him the boring, dry kibble...instead we went out and bought cans of the good stuff, Paw Lickin' Chicken by Weruva.  I can't lie, it smelled so good to me that beck had to remind me that it wasn't meant for human consumption.  (been down that road...don't ask)  So it's basically just a big bowl of chicken and gravy.  Kodo was a little suspect since we've been trying different brands...but he seemed to taken a liking to this one, thankfully.  So he snarfed down the can, which led to Beck and me taking a quick trip to buy a bunch more for the week.  On the way back, of course we had to stop off at Starbucks and picked K up a Puppaccino.

Morning's seem to be a little better than evening for the old bear.  He can't get up on his own, so we rely on him asking us to help with a "boof."  But even these days, he doesn't ask much, so we have to kind of test the harness to see what he thinks of the idea.  He did get up and decided to lie on the patio today.  It wasn't raining and was probably closer to Berner than human-comfortable temps outside.  He had a small hint of energy for literally about a minute.  But even a minute of playtime is worth it right now:

He eventually just plopped onto the patio and just soaked in his domain.  Beck and I took turns keeping him company.  What was even more special than our company, though, were the salmon treats that accompanied the company (again, only the good stuff!)  He perked his head up and seemed like his appetite came back.  I ran him through some of his simple tricks like "Chin", "Speak" and "Boof" which he remembered....well, he actually switched "Speak" and "Boof", but I have a feeling he did that on purpose.

"Chin"

Afterwards, my mom and dad asked to come by to visit Kodo.  They, of course, brought gift of food for the old bear.  Just a plain hamburger, but once again, K's appetite didn't seem to have any problems horfing it down.  I'm really glad they came to visit.  Kodo even perked up a bit when they arrived...and this was before the burger was in view!

After my parents left, Kodo was pretty exhausted.  He went back to his normal spot at the base of the stairs and slept for a few hours.  I had to coax him up to eat another can of food.  Afterwards, we had to get him up again to go outside for his evening bathroom break.  As is the norm these days, Kodo, just plopped again on the patio in the evening.  He usually winds down alone in the dark, away from everyone else.  Beck wins parent of the year award for spending the evening with the pooh-bear.

I'm not sure how tomorrow's hike is going to go with Kodo's mobility.  But hopefully he'll have enough energy to visit his favorite rock at the very least. 

The worst day

Today we had the vet visit that every Berner-owner dreads.  Kodo, our just-turned-10, had been having mobility issues over the last 6 months (arthritis), but the last couple weeks he had been a lot worse.  And last weekend he started refusing his kibble (though he would eat soft treats and some canned foods).  We assumed he had a tooth issue and took him in for that, but the bloodwork they did on him came back with low platelet and red blood cell counts- a frequent marker for cancer.  Today, we had an abdominal ultrasound and a number of other tests, and they are fairly certain it is Histio.  Because of his age and general condition, we are not willing to put him through surgery or chemo (even if those did have a high probability of success, which for this form of cancer they do not).  We are planning on spoiling him this week with with roast beef and hamburger patties and puppaccinos and lots of love (and maybe an outing to his favorite park if he seems like his legs will hold up), then we will let him go next weekend.  First Berner, first love, heart dog.

Trust-fall

Peacefully sitting on the couch. Dozer comes up, sits next to Brian, then flings himself over backwards into his lap. Anyway, Dozer being Dozer the adorable snuggles didn't last for long, but it makes for a funny series of shots.

Almost-birthday-girl

Hard to believe our teeny fluffy midgeling of a pocket-Berner is almost 6 years old! 2/29!

The whole pack!

New friend

I will hug it and squeeze it and name it George.

Scary movie

Need to cuddle up close to daddy for protection when the scary movies come on